Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
