i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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