theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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