It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
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I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.