How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.