why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.