i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
