As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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