just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
