exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
