fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
