She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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