There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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