So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
