woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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