She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
