you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
