forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
