dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
