Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
