I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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