Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
