Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
