so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
