Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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