I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
