last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
