you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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