It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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