Midget sex pt 2 tonight
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
