My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
