If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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