i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
