chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
