We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
