why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
