I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
