I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
