No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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