You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
