I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
