There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
