I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
