So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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