im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
