So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
