Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
