How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
