If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I need a burrito and a hug.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
