He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My ATM looks so different sober.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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