I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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