Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
