Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your penis caused this!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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