And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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