it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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