The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
