Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
